Ever get the feeling you’re being lied to?
For a decade now, one of the themes / trends that seem to replay regularly in motherhood that I now find wildly concerning is this:
We are all just one big hot mess. It’s so ingrained in mum culture that we don’t even question its notion anymore. It’s almost expected of us, that if we are not in fact a “hot mess” that we might not actually be a very good mum.
Think about it, think back to TV shows and movies that depict mum life. It’s often the typical stressed out mum character, always late, house a mess, has forgotten who she is, lives on coffee till cocktail hour, over sleeps etc etc. Think Mila Kunis in Bad Moms (while undeniably gorgeous, this is Mila Kunis after all) her life seems to be spiraling around her, shes overworked and under paid, shes always late, she has lunch spilled down her top and spends every morning crying in her car. This stereotype has been drip feed down our throats so much that we’ve just come to accept that – this is just the way things are…
Think of the way other mum’s speak to each other – friends and strangers – and the limiting beliefs and lies we perpetuate onto one another.
“Wait till the babies born, sleep will be a distant memory!”
“Who has time for make up now.”
“Wait until you have another! Then you’ll really be exhausted!”
That somehow, once you become a mum, life will be hard, you won’t have time for yourself anymore and you’ll be constantly exhausted, your house will be a pig sty and you’ll never have sex again.
Can we just stop already? Like – says who? Why are we being told this? Why are we buying into this? Living this?
Don’t get me wrong – there are hot mess seasons (and day’s )- for sure, I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. I’ve juggled new born twins and a six year old, survived on coffee and cereal. I’ve had my 6 year old wake me up with a face full of chocolate as I overslept from all night feeding exhaustion so he had naturally raided the chocolate biscuit tin for breakfast.
Seasons are passing though, as in nature, they evolve and change. It’s when we stay and get stuck in this place, comforted by the comradery and togetherness of this crazy culture in a bid to feel less lonely. Re-posting quotes like “Hot Mess Express!” or “One blessed Hot Mess!” Giving into the notion that once we become mothers – time for ourselves is gone, time to take care of ourselves is a luxury, and living in a state of chaos in a perpetually exhausted state is normal.
Isn’t it time to pull the plug? What I want you to know is this:
You are a freakin Goddess raising the next generation, you are worthy of feeling good, being perpetually exhausted is not how it needs to be for you.
Think about the words you speak over yourself, how would you feel if you heard your children talking about themselves in the same way? Do you regularly speak and think negative phrases about yourself? Such as “I’m so overweight, I’ll never fit into my clothes again!” Or “I look terrible, I feel so old!” “I’ll never be able to achieve x,y or z!” Imagine your son or daughter saying those things to themselves, and start practicing speaking and thinking more kindness over yourself.
So how do we claw our way out of this hot mess? Take a stand for what we actually want and need and lean in to a more enjoyable, less reactive and chaotic way of doing motherhood?
Realise the way you think and feel help create your reality.
Changing your reality starts with re-framing how you think.
Put simply, stop thinking / referring to yourself as being a hot mess. If your thoughts are telling you that your a mess, you have no time for yourself and motherhood is hard you’ll start to believe this – and your actions will start to support this.
Try telling yourself a different story, however that feels supportive to you. Maybe create some affirmations to support how you want to feel such as “I am worthy of feeling rested and healthy”. Prioritise feeling good in a way that is unique to you, maybe that looks like going for a run twice a week, or working on a long forgotten hobby. Maybe its eventually throwing away those ill fitting maternity leggins and finally going through your wardrobe, or making yourself a nutritious lunch, or going to be bed earlier.
Prioritise nurturing yourself and what you need and stop thinking of this as selfish, despite what society has told you. In doing so you’re not only modelling to your children that self care is important, but you’ll be able to deal with motherhood’s hiccups from a less reactive and happier place.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a strength.
Have you seen that Instagram reel doing the rounds – where someone is hitting the camera saying “stop trying to do everything! but who.the.f&*k.is.gonna.do.it….!” It’s been copied so much as clearly this is how so many people are feeling in our post pandemic haze especially mothers. The reality is, no one is going to help you unless you reach out and ask. There is no one coming to save you, you need to save yourself.
Try listing out some scenarios that you’re currently drowning in, maybe its after dinner clean up, getting to school on time, or meal prepping (or all of the above!) Can you create some space anywhere around this?
Could you meal prep on a Sunday afternoon – put on your favourite Netflix show in the background or your favorite podcast, pour a glass of wine and try to enjoy the process? Could a friend help with school run? Could you start an after dinner chore list?
Motherhood can sometimes be so full that we just go about the motions, getting through the day, treading water to stay afloat. Just try once a week stepping back and changing perspective – how can you make a difficult situation easier? Is there really no other way?
Protect your energy
Your energy, especially as a mother and all that goes along with that role, is sacred. It is precious. It is essential, and it’s everything. Now read that all again.
Without your energy, everything becomes much much harder. Think back to the last day you were sick but had no help with the children, or had a headache, or a heavy period, or a bad nights sleep. Suddenly simple tasks and decision making becomes that. much. harder. You snap more, you long for a rest or some quiet, you react. This is why your energy needs protecting.
So think about what or who is taking your energy.
Are you signing up to school committee obligations you actually don’t have time for and leaves you stretched?
Is a family member draining you with their “advice” but you still see them on a regular basis?
Are your children enrolled in so many after school activities you barely have time to relax and enjoy dinner in the evening?
Is engaging in playground gossip every morning bringing down your mood?
Take a step back and see who your energy is being given too, and where you need to start claiming it back.
Wave goodbye to Gossip.
Let’s just pledge to bury this with the hot mess mum quotes shall we? If we want to speak love and kindness over ourselves – lets practice doing that with others. Everyone is fighting their own battle or struggle we likely know nothing about, so lets stop acting like we do. Lets practice speaking about other mothers with kindness, without judgement.
If you’re not vibing with a particular person, or don’t like they way they choose to live – then let them go their own way. Liberate yourself from gossip, and if its coming from a place of jealousy – can you use that as inspiration instead?
Re-framing the way you think, feel and act can be met with a lot of resistance to begin with. Feel what you need to feel and just let it go, sometimes we think that unless we look and feel like a hot mess other people wont think we are doing a good enough job, or working hard enough. Or that if we priortise our energy, rest and self care that we must be selfish. These limiting beliefs are not doing anyone a favour, are they ultimately true?
Women have the power to look, feel and live and mother the way they choose. So let’s start a different story, a better feeling and a less overwhelming way to do motherhood. Lets Go.
If you enjoyed this blog pop me a message or comment – I’d love to hear from you! You’ll also love My Tips on letting go of mum guilt – which you can read about here. You can find me on my Instagram at @twinsandthings13.com so drop by there and we can virtually hang out! To never miss a blog join the twins and things community here, see ya soon mama x